Work work work
My doctor’s even say I work too much. I only do it, because I have to pay bills, save money to move or do what I want, and eat. I don’t qualify for food stamps or any government assistance; at one point I was making only $100 too much to qualify and I was the only one working. The days I try taking for myself I feel guilty and end up taking extra shifts.
Why do this to ourselves?
Shouldn’t overall health matter? I work sick and hurt and exhausted and beat down. I work hours on end and barely scrap by.
Some days I envy people with WIC and food stamps, because they have that to feed themselves, others days I want to slap them, because I see them buying shit food like soda, candy and other sweets.
Dark is my heart right now.
My mind keeps jumping from topic to topic and my emotions are the same. This year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. From new meds and a new job to taking an out of state trip with my boyfriend…my brain feels like goop.
I’m happier with myself, because I’ve been taking care of myself mentally and physically. Though the last two months I’ve been terrible with the gym, but oh well. Taking depression meds has helped bring me up to breathe and the RA meds are helping my aching joints. The worst thing though is that I’m not satisfied with myself. I want to be happy without the meds and have a job in which I’m happy with. Sure my current job is giving me manager experience, but I’m being run down already with it. I’ll get through this funk with work…at least my coworkers appreciate me.
The last thing on my mind for this year is children. I so want to be a mother. I’m envious of others who are pregnant or just popping them out (my cousin with her cute little twins). My maternal clock is kicking my behind.
New years is just around the corner. Have a good one! And thank you to everyone for this first year up as Waterbug Blog!
The last time I was on my doctor started me on Cymbalta, to help combat my depression and maybe my joint pain. I ended up almost passing out at work a couple times due to the medication. After talking with my counselor and doctor I gave the ok to try Prozac. After three weeks on 20mg a day plus extra vitamin D, it was helping. With it I wasn’t so angry or sad at myself or the world; I was working on bettering myself. I had even started going back to the gym. Then about a week ago I started feeling down. Meaning, though I was doing everything good for me I was feeling shittier every day. It kept getting worse and on a Thursday night, after a long day I wanted to end it and didn’t feel bad like I normally would of I had thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t stop crying and wasn’t able to get across anything to my boyfriend who was trying to help. It started with some relaxers, than drowsy sick meds, and last of all several sleep aids I take normally. I hadn’t taken a lethal dose thanks to my boyfriend, but I did want to end it all that night. The next morning I woke up feeling like shit and listened to a voicemail from my father telling me how my grandmother’s sister, my grate aunt, had passed away in the early morning. I called in and took the day to recoup and spend time with a cousin in town. Spending time with her helped and I opened up to her a bit, but knew I had to do something about my medication.
Today was the first day I took a 40mg dose of the Prozac. If in a week it doesn’t help I’ll try a new deug. Maybe talk to my counselor about anxiety or bipolar meds, cause who knows. I don’t want to be a part of the high rate of bloggers who stop writing, so please be patient if you watch for my blogs. I’m just tired.
Last week was one of my best weeks in a long while. Mostly because I wasn’t working both of my jobs almost every day; I actually got to relax!
On Friday I had a doctor’s appointment to talk about changing my birth control (cause you know, the pill likes to f**k up your system) as well as talk about what tests we could start next for figuring out my health puzzle. Anyways, as I sat there talking about my symptoms for the umpteenth time, my doctor is looking through my previous tests. Out of the blue he brings up my autoimmune disease positive test that my previous (unhelpful) doctor didn’t do anything about even after pushing for more testing; the oh we’ll wait and see and do more testing later shit. I was taken back, because he said you should talk with the specialist about your Lupus. I didn’t know what to say to that, because my previous doctors never did anything or told me anything else other than I had a positive ANA and autoimmune tests. I told him all that and he was concerned (like he and other doctors should). You see, my primary care set-up an online system where patients can look at their health records, make/drop appointments, and among other great things, but I only recently jumped on-board, because it became necessary. I wish now that I had been told of my positive tests for Lupus sooner, but at least now I’ll be able to crack my puzzle before it gets worse. Now I have an appointment later this week with my specialist to talk about doing more tests and receiving treatment.
The bad thing about Lupus is that all the symptoms linked to the autoimmune disease are all over the place; as in they could be symptoms to several disorders/sicknesses. Since I had the morning off I went through my online health record and wrote down all the abnormal tests. Each abnormal test was linked to autoimmune disorders, specially Lupus. Those plus my list of symptoms (that keep getting worse) are pointing towards Lupus. But still with all that I have looked at, a talk with my specialist is needed plus new tests.
On the other hand, in order to start taking back my health at the end of July I am leaving my job at Starbucks. So I am frantically trying to finish a few more pairs of earrings for my co-workers. I have about three more pairs. And for the males and a few females that I know don’t wear earrings, I will be bringing in homemade foods for them. Also, to feel better I have been trying to put make-up before work, at least lipstick, because even just that little bit does makes a difference.
Whelp, I am growing tired. I’m going to log off and rest before work. Have a good Monday everyone!
Jeez I am a terrible blogger. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like writing.; it happens to the best though. The last two months have been draining. Between work, personal time, and making sure my boyfriend and I get our time I haven’t felt like writing. At one point my depression was crippling, but I am slowly digging my way out.
To tell you guys the truth, I don’t even feel like writing today; my arms feel like lead. Over the last couple weeks I’ve broken down several times, which put a strain on my relationship and work.
I do have a doctors appointment this Friday. I want to talk with him about testing me for a hormone imbalance. Writing this makes me remember how it felt to push through writing an essay I don’t want to write or think about anymore.
One thing is for certain, I’m leaving my job at Starbucks at the end of July. I almost walked out after my manager made me cry and feel like my coworkers hated me. I’ve left jobs before due to bad managers, but she is both a terrible manager as well as a not so great human too. Which is sad, because I enjoy my time at my store usually and love my coworkers. She just makes it unhappy for not just myself, but others as well.
Maybe I’ll write more as the week progresses…I do have some free time later in the week. On another note, I’ve been re-reading through the Lord Of The Rings and playing Stardew Valley on the PlayStation. Both have been good for me.
I’m gonna go for now though.
Since graduating last year I’ve slowly been diving deeper into depression concerning what I want and need to do next while also keeping up with the bills. It’s hard some days, because I feel like I’ll stay in this dump for the rest of my days. But I am trying to keep my spirits high and remember that I have to take it one day at a time. This debate that I am having within is a direct reflection of all the changes going on in my life.
A short poem by me:
A heavy heart, but a racing mind.
Creates a chaos that spreads if not contained and maintained.
Friends and family and even strangers show support and give advice.
A fight with ones self to figure out whats next.
I won’t lose this battle, but scratches will ensue no doubt.
With spring on the way, my hopes are high.
Thank you to all who are there for me, I’ll push through not just for me but for you too.