Jeez I am a terrible blogger. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like writing.; it happens to the best though. The last two months have been draining. Between work, personal time, and making sure my boyfriend and I get our time I haven’t felt like writing. At one point my depression was crippling, but I am slowly digging my way out.
To tell you guys the truth, I don’t even feel like writing today; my arms feel like lead. Over the last couple weeks I’ve broken down several times, which put a strain on my relationship and work.
I do have a doctors appointment this Friday. I want to talk with him about testing me for a hormone imbalance. Writing this makes me remember how it felt to push through writing an essay I don’t want to write or think about anymore.
One thing is for certain, I’m leaving my job at Starbucks at the end of July. I almost walked out after my manager made me cry and feel like my coworkers hated me. I’ve left jobs before due to bad managers, but she is both a terrible manager as well as a not so great human too. Which is sad, because I enjoy my time at my store usually and love my coworkers. She just makes it unhappy for not just myself, but others as well.
Maybe I’ll write more as the week progresses…I do have some free time later in the week. On another note, I’ve been re-reading through the Lord Of The Rings and playing Stardew Valley on the PlayStation. Both have been good for me.
I’m gonna go for now though.
Hey y’all sorry I’ve been awol the last couple weeks. I’ve been more tired than usual due to work schedules and working with my doctors about figuring out what is going on with me. Even though I write this blog 9/10 on my phone, it drains me to write and I keep saying I will, but then fall asleep due to my new medication. I’ll get hopefully be getting more tests done, but it’s hard to schedule in doc appointments with work. Maybe one day it’ll all be worked out.
I’m gonna go now though; I’m beat.
Since graduating last year I’ve slowly been diving deeper into depression concerning what I want and need to do next while also keeping up with the bills. It’s hard some days, because I feel like I’ll stay in this dump for the rest of my days. But I am trying to keep my spirits high and remember that I have to take it one day at a time. This debate that I am having within is a direct reflection of all the changes going on in my life.
A short poem by me:
A heavy heart, but a racing mind.
Creates a chaos that spreads if not contained and maintained.
Friends and family and even strangers show support and give advice.
A fight with ones self to figure out whats next.
I won’t lose this battle, but scratches will ensue no doubt.
With spring on the way, my hopes are high.
Thank you to all who are there for me, I’ll push through not just for me but for you too.
“There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.” — Alan Cohen
Lately I’ve been overworking myself which has left me tired and old health issues to show their ugly face again. I try taking breaks, at home a d work, but most of the time it makes it worse. I need to see my doctor plus another, but working two jobs it’s hard to find motivation or time to make it out to them. The worst part is that one of my symptoms is dizziness/lightheadedness which almost makes me black out. It’s happened in yeas past once or twice, but it’s happened three times in two weeks. One of which happened yesterday morning as I was getting ready to leave for work. I felt bad for calling out and tried to find someone to take my shift. But my health comes first and fuck it I’m not gonna walk out of my house with the possibility that the same thing happens as I’m walking down the street to go to work. Thankfully my coworkers understand and I’ve been talking more to them abouty health, but it’s my manager that never gets it. I think she needs a dose of reality, because it’s all sunshine and unicorns in her eyes (pertaining to the lives of her workers).
I got to relax and rest yesterday at least and feeling better today. Everyone our there get some rest and do something for yourself.
Good morning everyone! Geeze I know I forgot the week before to write a post of the week, but I didn’t think it was Tuesday today. For all the waiting you guys have endured, I am sorry.
My family would say, “You’re just running on Native time like the rest of us!” and laugh.
Well I guess I’ll tell you guys about why I’ve been so slow/just not posting anything the last week weeks. For one I’ve been unusually busy on Mondays. I actually had a really early shift yesterday, then a doctors appointment, got groceries, and once I got home I vegged out,because I finally got to rest. The week before I was super stressed from a traffic court date I had that Wednesday and transitioning to working a second job. This month has just been stressful more than it should be, because my car battery died and I have to bus, take a taxi, or pray that a friend or family member will give me a lift. I forgot how stressing not having a car can be. Even right now I am starting to watch the clock since I have to grab the 11:30 bus and I’m not even ready yet (it’s 10:28 currently). The only upside of this month though has been the warming weather! Everyday it gets warmer and warmer and I am just enthused for Spring just around the corner. Outside of all this stress I have been reading some interesting articles on the health of our oceans, which I will share with you guys either later this week or Monday, as well as political ones about Trump and a new, but old Obama Administration report about government subsidiaries, which I may or may not share my thoughts on, because I don’t care to talk about politics.
Well unfortunately I am leaving after such a short post, but I gotta get ready soon, or I shall be late to a meeting that I was only told of yesterday thanks to my wonderfully forgetful manager.
Safe travels to you all and drink plenty of coffee!
Quote: “And here you are living despite it all.” ~Rupi Kaur
This week’s theme is chronic illness. This one is a bit tough for me to write out, but not because it hurts to talk about my illnesses. I have several issues that run together like trickling streams coming together to form a river that leads to the lake supporting my life. If I had to start anywhere I guess it would be with my younger sister, let’s call her Ash.
Ash was diagnosed with Chiari malformation at around age 10. Chiari is a hereditary and chronic illness that ranges from not so bad to very severe. Headaches, backaches, dizziness, fatigue, insomnia, numbness in parts of the body range in severity as well. Anyways, Ash had some severe symptoms and ended up having surgery the following year to help relieve pressure on her spine. After my sister went through her ordeal, my doctors had me tested via MRI and CAT scans. It was found that I didn’t have it as severe and suffered in different ways. After a few years of learning more about Chiari and talking with my neurological doctor, we decided to forgo surgery for the time being. A few years later I was hit with a new health crisis; my left eye was losing vision and no one knows why.
My left eye was a mystery and I became a guinea pig of sorts on what should be done concerning medication. What I mean is other than knowing the issues going on, the specialists couldn’t, and they never have, pin-pointed on what caused my eventual surgical removal of my left eye. For a decade my left eye was constantly inflamed and the pain that would shoot through my head was unbearable most days. Through the pain and medication, I gained weight that made me depressed that was never dealt with till I entered high school. In order to help me through the tough times, rather than turn to drugs or other harmful activities, I turned to sports. During my four years of high school I played on the water-polo and wrestling teams. I only played water-polo for two years due to personal conflicts with the coaches, I flourished and became more extroverted during wrestling. I felt at home on the matt, even on days that I wasn’t doing so hot.