Why?

Work work work

My doctor’s even say I work too much. I only do it, because I have to pay bills, save money to move or do what I want, and eat. I don’t qualify for food stamps or any government assistance; at one point I was making only $100 too much to qualify and I was the only one working. The days I try taking for myself I feel guilty and end up taking extra shifts.

Why?

Why do this to ourselves?

Shouldn’t overall health matter? I work sick and hurt and exhausted and beat down. I work hours on end and barely scrap by.

Some days I envy people with WIC and food stamps, because they have that to feed themselves, others days I want to slap them, because I see them buying shit food like soda, candy and other sweets.

Dark is my heart right now.

Waterbug24

2017

My mind keeps jumping from topic to topic and my emotions are the same. This year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. From new meds and a new job to taking an out of state trip with my boyfriend…my brain feels like goop.

I’m happier with myself, because I’ve been taking care of myself mentally and physically. Though the last two months I’ve been terrible with the gym, but oh well. Taking depression meds has helped bring me up to breathe and the RA meds are helping my aching joints. The worst thing though is that I’m not satisfied with myself. I want to be happy without the meds and have a job in which I’m happy with. Sure my current job is giving me manager experience, but I’m being run down already with it. I’ll get through this funk with work…at least my coworkers appreciate me.

The last thing on my mind for this year is children. I so want to be a mother. I’m envious of others who are pregnant or just popping them out (my cousin with her cute little twins). My maternal clock is kicking my behind.

New years is just around the corner. Have a good one! And thank you to everyone for this first year up as Waterbug Blog!

~Waterbug24~

 

Holiday madness

Sincey boyfriend and I had our week long trip to Washington state, life has been a blur. Between it finally snowing, doctor visits and long hours at work I haven’t had the will nor energy to really write.

The dark here in Alaska is sometimes unreal. At 5pm it looks to be closer to midnight, especially if it hasn’t snowed. The worst part of the darkness is when you don’t or can’t take the time to get outside or be active. With my depression I have to take at least 1000mg of vitamin D supplements daily to help my body manage through winter or tan (I’d rather not though). On days off I try to take walks in my neighborhood. Winter here is best when it’s snowing! The darkness isn’t as bad and snowmen are possible.

At work I’ve taken on more and only need one technical training night to know how to close the store. Working overtime and proving myself has been stressful, but I am becoming more comfortable in the position. It also helps that I’ll get a nice raise and it’ll look good on my resume. Though I’ve been taking my days off and not staying so late in order to keep my sanity.

My sanity may have to hold off a bit longer, due to Thanksgiving in a few days followed by Black Friday, Christmas, and News Years right after. This year I happily have Thanksgiving off with my boyfriend and I spending it with my Cousin and his family.

My beading is coming along too. I’ve been trying new styles and started selling earrings at my colleges bookstore (I’ve sold one so far). It’s exciting.

Well I hope you all have a great night and Happy Thanksgiving!

~waterbug24~

Party like it’s my birthday (no really, today is my birthday)!

Today is in fact my 24th summer on planet Earth! I usually work on my birthday, because well why not. But I decided that I needed a break and took it off. I slept in, had a nice morning with my boyfriend, and spent the afternoon/evening with my cousin and his family. Since my cousins granddaughter, who is 7, was around rather than play Cards Against Humanity we opted for the child friendly Apples to Apples. I’m exhausted now; I’ve come down with a persistent cold.

I’m gonna rest and relax now. Have a safe 4th of July (if celebrating) or if working (like myself) enjoy the time and a half 😄😎

-Waterbug24-

Update!

Jeez I am a terrible blogger. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt like writing.; it happens to the best though. The last two months have been draining. Between work, personal time, and making sure my boyfriend and I get our time I haven’t felt like writing. At one point my depression was crippling, but I am slowly digging my way out.

To tell you guys the truth, I don’t even feel like writing today; my arms feel like lead. Over the last couple weeks I’ve broken down several times, which put a strain on my relationship and work.

I do have a doctors appointment this Friday. I want to talk with him about testing me for a hormone imbalance. Writing this makes me remember how it felt to push through writing an essay I don’t want to write or think about anymore.

One thing is for certain, I’m leaving my job at Starbucks at the end of July. I almost walked out after my manager made me cry and feel like my coworkers hated me. I’ve left jobs before due to bad managers, but she is both a terrible manager as well as a not so great human too. Which is sad, because I enjoy my time at my store usually and love my coworkers. She just makes it unhappy for not just myself, but others as well.

Maybe I’ll write more as the week progresses…I do have some free time later in the week. On another note, I’ve been re-reading through the Lord Of The Rings and playing Stardew Valley on the PlayStation. Both have been good for me.

 

I’m gonna go for now though.

 

~Waterbug23~

Reflection: A ripple on the water

Everyone and everything that shows up in our life is a reflection of something that is happening inside of us.” –Alan Cohen

Since graduating last year I’ve slowly been diving deeper into depression concerning what I want and need to do next while also keeping up with the bills. It’s hard some days, because I feel like I’ll stay in this dump for the rest of my days. But I am trying to keep my spirits high and remember that I have to take it one day at a time. This debate that I am having within is a direct reflection of all the changes going on in my life.

A short poem by me:

A heavy heart, but a racing mind.

Creates a chaos that spreads if not contained and maintained.

Friends and family and even strangers show support and give advice.

A fight with ones self to figure out whats next.

I won’t lose this battle, but scratches will ensue no doubt.

With spring on the way, my hopes are high.

Thank you to all who are there for me, I’ll push through not just for me but for you too.

 

~Waterbug23~

 

Retail Jobs

 

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(Image: https://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-most-soul-crushing-things-about-working-retail?utm_term=.qkmpXwBb2#.jmavJPBMD)

 

Don’t worry everyone, I still smile at work. In the first blog or two I wrote, I let it be known I work at Starbucks (corporate store). Well it’s not my first (and most likely not my last) retail job. It all began my senior year of high school, when I worked two weeks, part-time for the Puyallup Fair in September (now known as the Washington State Fair). It was pretty fun for the most part; I worked two game booths. But there was one day that made me dislike working retail jobs to this day, a customer at my game booth made me cry. He kept yelling at me when I wasn’t sure of how to fix his problem while his wife and kids looked on, angry as well. I had accidentally taken tickets off his card (weird I know, their system for tickets is electronic and caused chaos). Yup, that was my first taste of the bitter life coffee. Since then I’ve worked several other jobs involving working directly with customers. Some really exciting and not so stressing (firework stand during the summer) to others that make me cry just thinking about how hateful a customer (human) can be towards the person serving them (another human).

I bring up this topic because I’ve become burnt out with my retail jobs, I don’t mind it most of the time, but there are days where I just want to walk out. Also, I’ve had people ask, “Why don’t you have a job in your field yet?,” well if I could get one that would be great. Over the last year, since graduating, I’ve applied to several jobs and internships within my field, but the closest I have come is almost getting an internship at the Oregon Coast Aquarium, but I didn’t qualify after a remarkably great interview due to lack of experience…Let that sink in. I didn’t get an internship which is supposed to educate you and give you experience, because I didn’t have enough experience. It’s just a sad world out there if you need experience for an internship. Well and I’ve applied to several pet shops and still denied; maybe over-qualified? I’m still pushing though.

Here is to all the hard working retail workers out there! Have a great Monday everyone and enjoy some time to yourself!

~Waterbug23~