My mind keeps jumping from topic to topic and my emotions are the same. This year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. From new meds and a new job to taking an out of state trip with my boyfriend…my brain feels like goop.

I’m happier with myself, because I’ve been taking care of myself mentally and physically. Though the last two months I’ve been terrible with the gym, but oh well. Taking depression meds has helped bring me up to breathe and the RA meds are helping my aching joints. The worst thing though is that I’m not satisfied with myself. I want to be happy without the meds and have a job in which I’m happy with. Sure my current job is giving me manager experience, but I’m being run down already with it. I’ll get through this funk with work…at least my coworkers appreciate me.

The last thing on my mind for this year is children. I so want to be a mother. I’m envious of others who are pregnant or just popping them out (my cousin with her cute little twins). My maternal clock is kicking my behind.

New years is just around the corner. Have a good one! And thank you to everyone for this first year up as Waterbug Blog!



Moving Forward

“Smooth seas never made skilled sailors.” -Franklin D. Roosevelt  

The quote of the day (which I need to make sure I keep doing, sorry!) is one of my favorites that I think of often especially the last couple months.  People may say, “Oh wouldn’t a nice day bring about experience too?!”, or “Not true! I’m still on the struggle bus!”. I see both types of people in my life, but what they fail to see a storm may be coming or their storm will pass. I’ve gotten to that point where I listen to my friends, from both sides, and don’t speak about my issues or don’t give advice, because neither listens to me nor helps me when I need it most. That is life, and why I don’t feel bad when I need to let people go or change the friendship to have more space.

I’ve written many times about my health, but in the mess I forgot to say that my doctors gave me the wrong diagnoses about Lupus. It happens though and many symptoms of Lupus are shared with other autoimmune disorders. After I changed specialists, we sat down and talked for an hour about me and my health. We started at my childhood issues and pains to now. What she figures (since I can not test for it at my age) is that I had juvenile rheumatoid arthritis (JRA), which could have lead to my aggressive eye issues. The medication I was on when I first had eye issues were the same I would have been put on for JRA, but she figures the issues were too aggressive for them. After talking about my list of issues and locations of pain, she concluded that I have fibromyalgia. We talked about the symptoms and the connections through my life, it finally made sense!

I do wonder if the doctors could’ve re-tested me for JRA (they did at first, but it came up negative) after my symptoms and medication wasn’t working, if they could’ve saved my eye, or if it was meant to be…

My financial troubles will go away and come back I know, but it does take a toll on my health worrying so much about bills. I wish my boyfriend would just get that magical call back that he got the job, but its hard finding stable work in Alaska that you can enjoy.

Good news though, I am being trained to be an assistant manager at work and today I am being given the chance to run the show (even if just for a little bit). I’m nervous, but excited at the same time, because this is the first job to follow through after they said they wanted to make me a manager. This is the one position and experience I need on my resume to show future jobs that I can handle it.

I’m gonna finish off here today, because I need to eat something to take with my meds as well as prepare for the day!


A Tough Month

The last time I was on my doctor started me on Cymbalta, to help combat my depression and maybe my joint pain. I ended up almost passing out at work a couple times due to the medication. After talking with my counselor and doctor I gave the ok to try Prozac. After three weeks on 20mg a day plus extra vitamin D, it was helping. With it I wasn’t so angry or sad at myself or the world; I was working on bettering myself. I had even started going back to the gym. Then about a week ago I started feeling down. Meaning, though I was doing everything good for me I was feeling shittier every day. It kept getting worse and on a Thursday night, after a long day I wanted to end it and didn’t feel bad like I normally would of I had thoughts of suicide. I couldn’t stop crying and wasn’t able to get across anything to my boyfriend who was trying to help. It started with some relaxers, than  drowsy sick meds, and last of all several sleep aids I take normally. I hadn’t taken a lethal dose thanks to my boyfriend, but I did want to end it all that night. The next morning I woke up feeling like shit and listened to a voicemail from my father telling me how my grandmother’s sister, my grate aunt, had passed away in the early morning. I called in and took the day to recoup and spend time with a cousin in town. Spending time with her helped and I opened up to her a bit, but knew I had to do something about my medication.

Today was the first day I took a 40mg dose of the Prozac. If in a week it doesn’t help I’ll try a new deug. Maybe talk to my counselor about anxiety or bipolar meds, cause who knows. I don’t want to be a part of the high rate of bloggers who stop writing, so please be patient if you watch for my blogs. I’m just tired.


Missing Puzzle Pieces

Last week was one of my best weeks in a long while. Mostly because I wasn’t working both of my jobs almost every day; I actually got to relax!

On  Friday I had a doctor’s appointment to talk about changing my birth control (cause you know, the pill likes to f**k up your system) as well as talk about what tests we could start next for figuring out my health puzzle. Anyways, as I sat there talking about my symptoms for the umpteenth time, my doctor is looking through my previous tests. Out of the blue he brings up my autoimmune disease positive test that my previous (unhelpful) doctor didn’t do anything about even after  pushing for more testing; the oh we’ll wait and see and do more testing later shit. I was taken back, because he said you should talk with the specialist about your Lupus. I didn’t know what to say to that, because my previous doctors never did anything or told me anything else other than I had a positive ANA and autoimmune tests. I told him all that and he was concerned (like he and other doctors should). You see, my primary care set-up an online system where patients can look at their health records, make/drop appointments, and among other great things, but I only recently jumped on-board, because it became necessary. I wish now that I had been told of my positive tests for Lupus sooner, but at least now I’ll be able to crack my puzzle before it gets worse. Now I have an appointment later this week with my specialist to talk about doing more tests and receiving treatment.

The bad thing about Lupus is that  all the symptoms linked to the autoimmune disease are all over the place; as in they could be symptoms to several disorders/sicknesses. Since I had the morning off I went through my online health record and wrote down all the abnormal tests. Each abnormal test was linked to autoimmune disorders, specially Lupus. Those plus my list of symptoms (that keep getting worse) are pointing towards Lupus. But still with all that I have looked at, a talk with my specialist is needed plus new tests.

On the other hand, in order to start taking back my health at the end of July I am leaving my job at Starbucks. So I am frantically trying to finish a few more pairs of earrings for my co-workers. I have about three more pairs. And for the males and a few females that I know don’t wear earrings, I will be bringing in homemade foods for them. Also, to feel better I have been trying to put make-up before work, at least lipstick, because even just that little bit does makes a difference.

Whelp, I am growing tired. I’m going to log off and rest before work. Have a good Monday everyone!