I think I can, I think I can

The last couple weeks have been tough. Between work and my health I have felt alone, bitter, and tired of life. But since I’ve started work at the pre school I have slowly gotten to a betterind set. These kids are so cute and excited about life, it’s hard not being joyful. I love it. Though I do need to make a new appointment for my doctors and reschedule another. Getting into new routines are a pain, but I’m getting there.

Have a good day!




It’s all I feel anymore.

Sharp needles hitting my nerves, sending waves of pain throughout my body.

The pain is the first symptom…

Dizziness… confusion… nausea… can’t move stiff joints and muscles…loss of appitite…dry mouth… disinterest…deeper depression…

Rheumatoid arthritis, RA, is the culprit. There have been more than one day that I’ve called out from work, because I could barely move. It hurts just to write this all down, because my hands and arms are the most affected from this disease.

Yes! It is an autoimmune disease and it’s a pain. I’m trying to make life easier for myself but like I said in my last post, I work so much. Most of the time I work 7 days a week.

Pulsing…my hands are radiating dull, achy pain. It’s time to stop.



Work work work

My doctor’s even say I work too much. I only do it, because I have to pay bills, save money to move or do what I want, and eat. I don’t qualify for food stamps or any government assistance; at one point I was making only $100 too much to qualify and I was the only one working. The days I try taking for myself I feel guilty and end up taking extra shifts.


Why do this to ourselves?

Shouldn’t overall health matter? I work sick and hurt and exhausted and beat down. I work hours on end and barely scrap by.

Some days I envy people with WIC and food stamps, because they have that to feed themselves, others days I want to slap them, because I see them buying shit food like soda, candy and other sweets.

Dark is my heart right now.


Mental State of Mind

I’ve been trying to cope with my mental stability for years by myself until in recent years. It started after the death of a classmate during my freshman year of college at Hawai’i Pacific University. I met with the school counselor and talked about death and how other deaths had affected me till then. After I moves to Alaska I started learning more about myself and figuring out that I needed to recover my mental health.

On and off since then, I have had several counselors who all helped me in different ways. Now I see a traditional counselor as well as a traditional healer. I’ve been trying out medications on top of taking care of myself at home. Slowly I’m healing and doing what I love. Including expanding my earring business by getting business cards and creating an Instagram. It’s all exciting!

Maybe I’ll write more later, tired tonight.