It’s all I feel anymore.
Sharp needles hitting my nerves, sending waves of pain throughout my body.
The pain is the first symptom…
Dizziness… confusion… nausea… can’t move stiff joints and muscles…loss of appitite…dry mouth… disinterest…deeper depression…
Rheumatoid arthritis, RA, is the culprit. There have been more than one day that I’ve called out from work, because I could barely move. It hurts just to write this all down, because my hands and arms are the most affected from this disease.
Yes! It is an autoimmune disease and it’s a pain. I’m trying to make life easier for myself but like I said in my last post, I work so much. Most of the time I work 7 days a week.
Pulsing…my hands are radiating dull, achy pain. It’s time to stop.
Work work work
My doctor’s even say I work too much. I only do it, because I have to pay bills, save money to move or do what I want, and eat. I don’t qualify for food stamps or any government assistance; at one point I was making only $100 too much to qualify and I was the only one working. The days I try taking for myself I feel guilty and end up taking extra shifts.
Why do this to ourselves?
Shouldn’t overall health matter? I work sick and hurt and exhausted and beat down. I work hours on end and barely scrap by.
Some days I envy people with WIC and food stamps, because they have that to feed themselves, others days I want to slap them, because I see them buying shit food like soda, candy and other sweets.
Dark is my heart right now.
I’ve been trying to cope with my mental stability for years by myself until in recent years. It started after the death of a classmate during my freshman year of college at Hawai’i Pacific University. I met with the school counselor and talked about death and how other deaths had affected me till then. After I moves to Alaska I started learning more about myself and figuring out that I needed to recover my mental health.
On and off since then, I have had several counselors who all helped me in different ways. Now I see a traditional counselor as well as a traditional healer. I’ve been trying out medications on top of taking care of myself at home. Slowly I’m healing and doing what I love. Including expanding my earring business by getting business cards and creating an Instagram. It’s all exciting!
Maybe I’ll write more later, tired tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! The last week has been crazy with today topping it off at work. I’m finally getting over my head and chest cold and feeling better. Though I did have a break down on Saturday night after missing a dose of my medication, but I missed it due to spending the night with my cousin. We drank homemade margaritas and had a great girls night.
I got a new job at a local preschool as an assistant teacher!!! I start February 5th and I’m really excited. But I do feel guilty about stepping down from my PIC position at Fred Meyers, because I feel like I’m letting my manager down. At the same time I know I shouldn’t feel like that, because it’s my life and a step in the direction of where I’d like to see myself one day as a career.
Also I’ve created and have business cards and flyers for my beaded earrings! It’s a step in the right direction. So I’ll post a picture of both once they come in.
Well I have to get back to work!
Love you all! 😘
This year is already flying! My goals for the year are:
1: Do what I want or need to do to make myself happy
With this I am taking days for myself, I even dyed my hair red and it looks great. Applying to jobs that I’d rather be at, like being a teacher assistant for a preschool; btw the kids there are adorable. I’m pushing myself with beading when my body allows it as well as making business cards for it. Also I will be taking a class at my Alum College, APU. Yay for learning!
2: Pay off my debt
This started off with H and R block taxes (I hate them so much) and the IRS. And my boyfriend’s debt is almost gone too. I may or may not apply for another deferment for my student loans, but we shall see.
3: Heal my body and soul
Between my conventional doctors and my new traditional healers, I’m hoping to find myself in a better mental state.
4: Write more letters or post cards
That and write more today bits here!
Today I am recovering from a cold. Been working non stop and today is .y first day off that I don’t have to leave the house. I’ve been coughing and sneezing and hard of hearing due to the congestion. So have a great Tuesday Everyone!
My mind keeps jumping from topic to topic and my emotions are the same. This year has been a rollercoaster to say the least. From new meds and a new job to taking an out of state trip with my boyfriend…my brain feels like goop.
I’m happier with myself, because I’ve been taking care of myself mentally and physically. Though the last two months I’ve been terrible with the gym, but oh well. Taking depression meds has helped bring me up to breathe and the RA meds are helping my aching joints. The worst thing though is that I’m not satisfied with myself. I want to be happy without the meds and have a job in which I’m happy with. Sure my current job is giving me manager experience, but I’m being run down already with it. I’ll get through this funk with work…at least my coworkers appreciate me.
The last thing on my mind for this year is children. I so want to be a mother. I’m envious of others who are pregnant or just popping them out (my cousin with her cute little twins). My maternal clock is kicking my behind.
New years is just around the corner. Have a good one! And thank you to everyone for this first year up as Waterbug Blog!
Here is what I posted to my Facebook account. I’ve been mulling over this topic since it was brought to my attention.
Reading Oil and Water by Mei Mei Evans, a professor at APU. Going back to the Valdez Oil Spill of ‘ 89.. I’ve learned a lot about clean up operations and prevention from my time with the PWSRCAC organization and now finally getting to read this still blows my mind. So much destruction of our oceans in the last 27 years.
My cousin, Adrienne Blatchford, is one of my voices in response to the drilling in the Arctic. I don’t voice my opinions very often, but here I must. We’ve seen what oil can do; not only to the environment and other species, but to humans as well. Birds and mammals died, fishing and eating fish is a fight and tug at my heart and soul because I know what’s in the water (chemically and fish counts), humans lose their way of life and some spiral downward in depression/suicide/drucgs and alcohol due to terrible oul spills like Valdez. It makes me angry to read articles about the administration wanting to open it up and cut national parks and sanctuaries.
Everyone, I don’t say this, because I keep it to myself, but please pray to whatever god/diety/spirit and ask that the plan for drilling the Arctic is shot down. The Dakota access pipeline and the Clean Water Warriors are needed to help this fight. Stay informed and I ask you to read Oil and Water as well as The Spill.
For more information on oil spills and prevention:
Please read up. I can’t stop shaking my head.